Sometimes the hardest part of blogging is publishing a damn post.
Since my last one I’ve written no less than 7 posts which have never seen the light of the internet. Why? Because I bottle it at the last second every. single. time.
My lack of blogging hasn’t really been from a lack of ideas or lack of love for what it is so much as a total, complete and utter lack of self confidence. I don’t know what happened to mine, or at what point it bailed on me stage left, but it’s dawned on me recently that it has. In my blog, in my job, in the gym, in my relationship. It didn’t happen overnight, for sure, but it happened and I’ve been sort of on auto-pilot ever since.
Recently I’ve had a bit of an epiphany. Or I’ve snapped. I’m not sure which, but a breakthrough has been made. It started when I was taking ~progress pictures~ in my bathroom, wearing nothing but my a bra that didn’t fit and knickers I don’t like. Bear with me..
I’ve been out of the gym for a while since injuring my shoulder back at the start of December. Since then, peak season has rolled around at work (and thankfully is about to roll away for another year). I’d been prepping for this for a few months, and it’s been worse than overwhelming. I was injured, and the pressure was higher than ever, and all of a sudden I’d lost what was keeping me calm and level headed because at the time I was training more like a powerlifter and only having one shoulder meant I couldn’t do any of what I loved so much about going.
And then I didn’t want to go. And then I started eating everything in sight again. And then I spent a solid 20 hours playing Sims 4 in a day and started napping all the time and rewatched every season of The Office and literally did not move from the couch unless it was absolutely necessary.
I don’t like to talk about my weight much, because it’s literally just a number, but over the time I’ve been out of the gym I gained nearly two stone from nesting and stress eating just to cope with what was happening in work. And as January rolled by, I’ve been feeling it in every fucking pound of my body. I’m sluggish, I’m miserable, I’m hell to be around for literally everyone. I can feel myself snapping at silly things. I’m anxious. So anxious, all the damn time.
And The Aftermath
This isn’t the time for a pity party though, it’s been a wake up call. I took those pictures and couldn’t bear to look at myself. I was done.
It’s not just about the weight. I wasn’t raised to be someone who put up with everyone else’s shit, and I don’t know when I started. If I learned anything from my mum it was not to take so much shit. And also not to bottle things up, which I still do even because I apparently never learn. I realised I don’t really enjoy my job anymore. Along the way I’ve lost the love, and lost my confidence in my ability to be any good at it. I used to love what I do. And then that negativity took over my entire life, which meant I stopped enjoying all of it.
And it’s not just the weight, but the complete reversal of months of going from strength to strength in the gym. I used to be able to squat 80kg and not only am I weaker but less flexible. My cardio strength is so poor that walking up the bank to work takes more than a couple of minutes of being still and deep breathing to recover from. I’m back to square one in what used to be something I truly, truly had fallen in love with.
And my God the mood swings have been unbearable for me, let alone anyone who has to be around me.
It was then I realised I needed to change. It’s not about the weight, it’s about showing up for myself again.
I’ve started back at the gym the last week or two with some real consistency. I’ve started reading again. I’ve applied for jobs, because I don’t know that a new job is what I need yet, but what I do know now is that I’m not tied to what I do anymore. I can move on if I want to. I read The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving A Fuck, and started sorting my fucks accordingly. I started eating more fruit and veg again because my body is literally begging me for it. I binned and donated every item of clothing that didn’t make me feel like I was about to conquer the world. I disposed of years worth of cosmetics that weren’t making me look or feel any better. I’ve started meditating every day before work again. I’ve started saying no to things that don’t concern me. I’m cooking again. I drink more water now.
And I want to be blogging again.
And so I will publish this post. And then I will publish more posts. And I’ll start to talk to people I befriended along the way again and stop being such a shut in, because that helps nobody.
So, hello again guys. I’m back.